Today is day 10 after my first infusion. The first six days were extremely rough. I felt worse than ever and got quite hopeless, I was in the bottom of the pit of despair deeper than I have been in many years. I believe the enemy of my soul, Satan and his minions, were at work trying to make me feel that way. But last Sunday I went to church at the encouragement of my sweet husband. There I got prayed up and got my soul refreshed and then I was able to share my heart with my husband about how sad I was. It was amazing how much better I felt afterward. My body was still in a lot of pain, my muscles were very wobbly and my digestive system was taking revenge out on me. Even a couple of bites of food sent my stomach into a roiling mess. I wished I never had to eat again I hated it so much. I also had brain fog worse than before too which was so frustrating. But my spirit and my heart were finally light again, thank you Jesus.
Now these last few days have gotten increasingly better as each day goes by. But today, day 10, my muscles are still weak. I can’t even open a packet of Via coffee without scissors, LOL. If anyone who knows me is reading this, they will know that that is quite funny because I have been so strong, especially for a girl, over my life. I used to even beat boys arm wrestling! So when I say that’s how weak I am it is quite shocking.
That is one of the hardest parts to deal with, feeling my body become weaker and weaker. I am 52 years old and should not be weak and frail, not yet! So that part just plain makes me mad and rather inpatient to get back to my old self. In my minds eye I am still strong and young. It is hard to see myself this way when I look in the mirror. A couple of months ago my weight had gotten down to 117 pounds at which point my daughter said I looked frail, ugh! So I’ve made a concerted effort to gain some weight back and I’m happy to say that I’m back up to 127 pounds now.
I still need to learn more about mast cell activation and what exactly these infusions are doing in my body. I need to understand why I’m feeling so terrible so that I can cope better with it. I used to be able to do a lot more research but I’m afraid my brain fog prevents this right now, grr. I’ll just have to ask my doctor at my next appointment, which is in one more week. I will get these infusions every three weeks for at least six months. I have heard the difficult reactions afterwards lesson over time. I am banking on that! But I know that is not where my hope is. My hope is only and ever will be in Jesus. I must be really stubborn for God to think I need to go through this. But one thing is for sure, and that is that I trust him totally and completely. His plan is perfect and wonderful and I cannot wait to see and experience the fulfillment of His plan. I am learning how to rest in Him, it has been a sweet and wonderful time. I have never felt closer to Jesus than I do now and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the whole world.